I got Mugged by a Monkey

So a man decided to take a trip to Tibet, it was a Beautiful country. He went to experience the culture and beautiful landscapes. With the likes of mount Everest, the nile river, and amazing custom built temples, He thought he was in for a treat. Little did he know what was about to happen. He was walking down the streets, when he saw a man, and an adorable little monkey playing a flute. They were asking for money, so he decided to give them a dollar US and see what it was all about. They started to play a song, and the monkey was an incredible dancer, he was Michael Jacksonesque with his moves. He proceeded to jump on the man’s leg and crawl up his back. The monkey started attacking the man’s neck. The man quickly put him to the ground, but he didnt give up, he attacked his arms and legs, and wouldn’t stop. He grabbed the mans watch off his arm, and continued to press on. tearing his blue Jeans with his sharp teeth. The man quickly ran away, and the little varment gave up. It was a moment a traveler will never forget. The man left that day with an epic story to tell. As he got back to his hotel room he noticed his passport and wallet were missing. So if you ever see a dancing monkey playing a flute monkey, stear clear. The monkey is still wanted by the government, if you can help and you know where he is then maybe you can call the A team, or the police. Here are some tips to avoid being attacked and robbed from a monkey.

10 ways to avoid an attack by a monkey

You may be walking down the streets of new dehli, be at a temple in India, walking the jungles, or just at your average zoo. Wherever you are that there are monkeys, and you may want to remember these simple steps to avoid an attack.

1) Avoid puting your hands out to touch a monkey, If you wanna lose a thumb, than go right ahead. There are signs that say ” Dont touch the animals” for a reason.

2) Avoid eating infront of a monkey, espicially bananas. Whatever your eating, its likely the monkey will want it. Definitly give the monkey whatever you have, if you dont want to be attacked.

3) Dont carry shiny object around monkey’s. If a monkey comes at you, its likely that they want the shiny object you are holding. Pass on wearing the gold rolex to the zoo.

4) Keep water bottles hidden from a monkeys view. For some reason, monkeys like water bottles, they will literally rip your face off to play with one.

5) Show your empty hands to a monkey that comes at you, It shows that you have nothing that the monkey wants.

6) Show aggression to the monkey. Show your teeth, act bigger than the monkey. If the monkey knows he can attack you he will. Showing weakness equals plastic sugery for you.

7) Use an object such as a stick to show you have a weapon. Shake the stick at the monkey, showing you mean buisness. If the monkey still attacks you, beat the living piss out of him with the stick.

8.) Dont make eye contact with a monkey for very long. You will lose in a stare contest to curious george everytime, and monkeys dont like them, it makes them angry and more apt to attack.

9) Avoid laughing, and making monkey noises. You never know what kind of mating call you may be doing. I mean who wants to be raped by a Gorilla.

10) For God sakes, dont act like a monkey, jumping around with your hands on your armpits, with your best “O face”. Imitating a monkey means your asking for it. And lets be honest, nobody really wants to see that.